Burning Out

Today I recognized myself burning out, so I decided to stay home for the morning. I am getting tired and snapping at people so yeah, the morning is just going to be spending reading, praying, napping, and finishing a couple things I haven’t been able to at the office.

I woke up in the middle of the night realizing that I have fallen back into the same trap of doing things myself. It’s really a crushing realization for me. It seems like when I am tired then that’s what I do - fix things myself. Lord help me.

Today I was reading in Luke about Anna and Simeon and their prophecies about the Messiah. The big thing that stick out to me was when the scriptures said “Anna never left the temple” - my overly-correct American brain starts thinking if that meant she slept there and was fasting for years at a time. In addition to being American, I was trained as a scientist and they are even more unnecessarily correct than most. Here I am distracted by the main parts of the story because of some details in the way that add basically nothing.

Additionally, I think we are trained to read the Bible wrongly, thinking in an overly-detailed way about the Hebrew or Greek meanings and conjugations and forgetting the main points and topics that are supposed to be the focus. 

I feel heartbroken realizing I am the problem…I have treated my employees like I want to be treated - be given a project and left alone to build, create, and make something amazing within loose bounds. I am finding that few people can operate like that. Things I have done right: found good, capable people. Developed a strong godly culture of accountability and putting people above projects.

 

Trust as defined by Psalms 56:3 and Proverbs 3:5-6

Psalms 56:3 - When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.

Interestingly enough, this isn’t a little child talking to God… Having kids, I have heard about a dozen
different versions of this song put to music for children. However, it wasn’t originally for them - this is David talking, a grown man who has seen hundreds of battles and thousands of people die around him. Not if, but when I am afraid.

If David, after all he had been through and seen, could still be afraid and know that he will be afraid sometime in the future, how much more me? Fear isn’t rational - it’s not based on the number of times we have seen God act and move in our lives previously, it’s not based on our experiences or failures or a realistic look at our capabilities… Rather, it is like the wind and rain; yes there are seasons where it is more frequent and seasons where it is less frequent but you can’t control when it comes; you can only control your reaction to it.

“I will trust in you” - Fear isn’t a choice, but trust is. And trust is a two-way Street - it is much easier to trust in someone who has already trusted in you. And God has placed a tremendous amount of trust in us, giving us His name. He even trusts us to the point that we are his representatives, His ambassadors, and His reputation on Earth will be impacted by our actions.

Lord, you are not only trustworthy, but I have seen your many actions of faithfulness on my behalf. You trust me with your Name and reputation. Though the things I face are big on my eyes, still I will choose to trust in you.

Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Interestingly enough, this pits the heart against the mind, almost the opposite of the Psalms 56 verse. That one is talking about fear (emotion) being overruled by an intellectual choice. This one is talking about trusting God with your heart (emotion, being) over the mind and what you see and understand. Together, the verses mean that no matter where our doubts come from - be it emotions or thoughts or reason - we can overcome them with our own choices.

Submit to Him - it is hardest to submit when you don’t understand. I know few people that operate at this level… Most of us wait until we catch a glimpse of what God is doing before we begin to trust in him.

He will make your paths straight - I love this. From the world’s perspective, they don’t understand us - we appear to be like the wind; no one knows where we come from or where we are going (John 3). But from the perspective of eternity, God’s path is the easiest and straightest, without the world’s detours of child support, broken relationships, sin and addiction, and the host of other distractions the world and Satan have for us.

 

He is Trustworthy

 

Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:10

Wow, this passage gets straight to the point… Those who know God trust him. He doesn’t let his followers down. He is trustworthy... 

It reminds me of a time a couple years ago when I was really concerned because of a number of
situations I knew about with other missionaries, and God’s response was “but have I ever let you down?” No, no He hasn’t. Other people’s situations? I can only just guess at because I don’t see the whole picture.

We have been close to being let down. So close that I really didn’t want to do that again - like a roller coaster that is too scary for you. But God has always been there for us. Like our first trip to Mozambique where we only had $200 with us and it was supposed to last 9 months? How about the time we had a guy getting a gang together to rob my house? Or the two separate incidents where we flew back into Mozambique fully expecting to be arrested at the airport? Or about the time we completely ran out of money but it showed up at the last minute from Ukraine of all places…

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

Psalm 20:7

Some trust in their wealth, abilities, and belongings. Others trust in their friends, wealthy people they know, or family connections. But we need to trust in the Lord. In the name of the Lord. To many it looks like foolishness but it is our way and the Lord is in it. Jesus help me with my unbelief…

 

Psalms 118

Psalms 118, a Psalms of victory and conquest.

V5 - In my distress I prayed to the Lord and the Lord answered me and set me free

God I have so many times I am distressed. Lord help me, answer my call for help and set me free! The biggest thing I notice about this verse is the actions - it is my job to call out for help and God’s job to answer. Not my job to set me free, just to be honest with God and let Him know where I am at.

V8 - It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in people; It is better to take refuge in the Lord that to trust in princes.

Call out. Trust. Those are the things that lead to success and victory in God’s eyes.

v10-12 - I destroyed them all with the authority of the Lord.

I am going to have to do more research on this concept of authority. This isn’t what I normally think of as authority, so naturally I have an opportunity to learn!

Authority doesn’t come from good works or who you know or your ability to prayer; authority comes from trusting in God, from crying out to him and letting Him do the heavy lifting.

I was up late last night again. Instead of just watching videos, I decided to tackle the most difficult particularly I had left to do on the app. I know I am supposed to stay out of the kitchen and let other people do it, but I also know the quickest way out of depression is to produce something instead of just being a consumer.

So yes, I am 75% done with the most difficult part of the app port but it took me until 2 am. This morning my flesh is weak but my soul is strong. God, Grant me wisdom in what to do with my time and energy.

May 22nd

Today I am writing this while in the bathroom babysitting Alizah while she takes a bath.

I am having difficulties sleeping which, unfortunately, is leading to emotional difficulties as well. I have been decidedly more unstable than I would like to be and it is frustrating for me…

Yesterday was a very difficult day. We had 3 hard meetings with employees who weren’t up to par. I believe two of them worked out well but the third, well, I think I am about to lose one of my most intelligent employees. That is very disappointing for me and I am really sad about that. When it comes to tech stuff, he was easily twice as intelligent as the next person on my team, but he has been spending his time doing his own thing.

It really angers me that he has been doing so much on his own personal projects and letting the organization projects fail. Sometimes I find myself just pacing in frustration over the situation.

In other news, I'm really starting to enjoy my time to myself and God early in the morning. Our veranda is beautiful and it brings me peace, or at least as close as I get to it these days.

God, I need you, more now than ever. Teach me your ways, help me to walk in your path oh Lord. I want to know you and be known by you. Nothing else compares.

God give me strength for today. Show me my own self-employed destructive habits and how I can change them. Teach me to walk step in step and hand in hand with you.

May 21st

I am really tired. I didn’t get to bed until 1 am, and I'm really feeling it now. I have a habit of pushing myself to the limit on weekdays and then crashing on weekends.- I think that needs to change because it is hurting my time with my family and nothing around the house gets done.

I find myself brooding a lot recently. I feel betrayed by several people, some of them are quite close to me. One in particular started his own business here with my server technology, using his time at work, and was taking several of our clients. I am so angry - I have a meeting with him later today. God, give me the strength to not let my emotions overwhelm me, give me the courage to do what is right in this situation and give me the knowledge to know what I should do. God I need your help, even more than usual.

Reading Psalms 113 - Verse 7 stands out: “He Lifts the poor from the dust and the needy from the garbage dump, He sets them among princes, even the princes of his own people! He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother.”

We are doing it - we are living that part of God’s vision and heart. God, show us how to do it better and show us how to impart that Same heart to your people.

May 20th

We skipped church today. We had a very long Saturday and we're both super exhausted. I ended up sleeping all morning and got up around noon, then went back to bed around 1. Yesterday was our anniversary but, true to form, we had meetings just about all day. First was the library meeting to speak to the community about the importance of reading. Then there was the meeting about the school we are looking at starting - a duel-moz and international curriculum bilingual Christian school. Then we hung out with the Rangels a bit, an amazing family of Brazilians that we have come to know. We dropped off our kids there then went on a date.

We ended up going to Solange, which is one of the best restaurants in our area. True to form, it was excellent. We reminisced about the past 11 years and how smoothly they have gone, with respect to our relationship at least!

Today was a fight for rest. Whenever I am extremely low on energy, I prefer to zone out watching something on a computer. However, that’s not extremely restful for me and I need to really spend some time outside. Sadly there aren’t that many places I can go to that are safe. However, we do have our veranda that mostly overlooks trees, and we are a couple blocks from the beach.

I know I need to rest and it’s hard when I have so many things I know I need to be doing. I have been pretty good at not jumping up and getting everything done; however, I have.not been so good about relaxing even with the task list!