Today Was a Struggle

 

Today was a struggle to wake up, to get showered, get moving. It was a struggle preaching and a struggle driving. I went back after our message, to a smaller congregation that didn’t seem to have much interest, and just slept. I woke up even more tired than I had been previously.

 

In ministry terms I accomplished almost nothing today. But I sat with my family, I talked with God, and I rested - all things that actually are victories of some sort. I need to make sure they are victories in themselves - not just if they lead to a stronger ministry.

 

I feel so weak, like I’m no longer able to support the insane growth the ministry has had. But was that ever my job to do? So what if I can’t do it all? All I can do is give what I have to God, and right now that’s not much. And besides, the worst thing that can happen isn’t the ministry dying. The worst thing that can happen is if the ministry gets built on Carla and I’s strength, and leads people toward us instead of toward Christ. 

 

My verse for the year: Stand in the presence of the Lord and wait for Him to act. Psalm 37:7

 

I think I’ll just have to take that literally.

 

Lack of Motivation

 

“Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you” - Psalm 73:25

 

So, yesterday I thought I was lacking all my motivation and drive that I used to have. And yes, while 90% of my motivation is gone, I realized I still have some… The motivation to sleep, rest, spend time with my family and read. It’s like I lost most of my energy. I am wondering if this is my new normal.

 

Interestingly enough, all those motivations I still have left are healthy and probably more of what I need at the moment. I have been waiting for my schedule to clear up so I can do more of these things - reading, resting spending more time with God. My schedule didn’t clear up but now I just don’t care if I wake up with 10 missed calls and 30 urgent emails. It’s not the way I thought my schedule would make room, but I guess it works?

 

I also don’t mind stopping just to enjoy Jesus. Plants, birds, trees, my kids’ smiles. I did those things before but it was always forced - like I always had something to get back to. Now those seem like the important things.

 

How much is unhealthy apathy? How much is needed course correction? I guess we’ll find out over the next few weeks.

 

Condemnation

 

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. - Romans 8:1

No condemnation in Christ… Has anyone told the church that? I feel the most condemned by people IN the church. I was a pillar in this house of doing things, and my stepping out for a while has left people thinking I am backsliding or traumatized from the cyclone. It’s been two weeks and things are falling apart that are fine when I am more involved. I used to get up and drive myself to the end of the day. People were happy but my soul was dying. Now I am much more at peace and my family is happier, but the externals are crumbling. I know very few people who would think this state is an improvement over my status quo of the extremely driven Jon, but if it’s where God is taking me, who am I to argue? And how many people are just in my life for what I can do for them?

 

I guess my role in this is to stay in Christ, because I can’t claim this verse if I’m not. And Christ is saying rest, prioritize, learn. Carry only His burdens.

 

Stand in the presence of the Lord and wait for Him to act. - Psalm 37:7

 

Stand and wait. I can do that.