Psalms 118

Psalms 118, a Psalms of victory and conquest.

V5 - In my distress I prayed to the Lord and the Lord answered me and set me free

God I have so many times I am distressed. Lord help me, answer my call for help and set me free! The biggest thing I notice about this verse is the actions - it is my job to call out for help and God’s job to answer. Not my job to set me free, just to be honest with God and let Him know where I am at.

V8 - It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in people; It is better to take refuge in the Lord that to trust in princes.

Call out. Trust. Those are the things that lead to success and victory in God’s eyes.

v10-12 - I destroyed them all with the authority of the Lord.

I am going to have to do more research on this concept of authority. This isn’t what I normally think of as authority, so naturally I have an opportunity to learn!

Authority doesn’t come from good works or who you know or your ability to prayer; authority comes from trusting in God, from crying out to him and letting Him do the heavy lifting.

I was up late last night again. Instead of just watching videos, I decided to tackle the most difficult particularly I had left to do on the app. I know I am supposed to stay out of the kitchen and let other people do it, but I also know the quickest way out of depression is to produce something instead of just being a consumer.

So yes, I am 75% done with the most difficult part of the app port but it took me until 2 am. This morning my flesh is weak but my soul is strong. God, Grant me wisdom in what to do with my time and energy.

May 22nd

Today I am writing this while in the bathroom babysitting Alizah while she takes a bath.

I am having difficulties sleeping which, unfortunately, is leading to emotional difficulties as well. I have been decidedly more unstable than I would like to be and it is frustrating for me…

Yesterday was a very difficult day. We had 3 hard meetings with employees who weren’t up to par. I believe two of them worked out well but the third, well, I think I am about to lose one of my most intelligent employees. That is very disappointing for me and I am really sad about that. When it comes to tech stuff, he was easily twice as intelligent as the next person on my team, but he has been spending his time doing his own thing.

It really angers me that he has been doing so much on his own personal projects and letting the organization projects fail. Sometimes I find myself just pacing in frustration over the situation.

In other news, I'm really starting to enjoy my time to myself and God early in the morning. Our veranda is beautiful and it brings me peace, or at least as close as I get to it these days.

God, I need you, more now than ever. Teach me your ways, help me to walk in your path oh Lord. I want to know you and be known by you. Nothing else compares.

God give me strength for today. Show me my own self-employed destructive habits and how I can change them. Teach me to walk step in step and hand in hand with you.

May 21st

I am really tired. I didn’t get to bed until 1 am, and I'm really feeling it now. I have a habit of pushing myself to the limit on weekdays and then crashing on weekends.- I think that needs to change because it is hurting my time with my family and nothing around the house gets done.

I find myself brooding a lot recently. I feel betrayed by several people, some of them are quite close to me. One in particular started his own business here with my server technology, using his time at work, and was taking several of our clients. I am so angry - I have a meeting with him later today. God, give me the strength to not let my emotions overwhelm me, give me the courage to do what is right in this situation and give me the knowledge to know what I should do. God I need your help, even more than usual.

Reading Psalms 113 - Verse 7 stands out: “He Lifts the poor from the dust and the needy from the garbage dump, He sets them among princes, even the princes of his own people! He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother.”

We are doing it - we are living that part of God’s vision and heart. God, show us how to do it better and show us how to impart that Same heart to your people.

May 20th

We skipped church today. We had a very long Saturday and we're both super exhausted. I ended up sleeping all morning and got up around noon, then went back to bed around 1. Yesterday was our anniversary but, true to form, we had meetings just about all day. First was the library meeting to speak to the community about the importance of reading. Then there was the meeting about the school we are looking at starting - a duel-moz and international curriculum bilingual Christian school. Then we hung out with the Rangels a bit, an amazing family of Brazilians that we have come to know. We dropped off our kids there then went on a date.

We ended up going to Solange, which is one of the best restaurants in our area. True to form, it was excellent. We reminisced about the past 11 years and how smoothly they have gone, with respect to our relationship at least!

Today was a fight for rest. Whenever I am extremely low on energy, I prefer to zone out watching something on a computer. However, that’s not extremely restful for me and I need to really spend some time outside. Sadly there aren’t that many places I can go to that are safe. However, we do have our veranda that mostly overlooks trees, and we are a couple blocks from the beach.

I know I need to rest and it’s hard when I have so many things I know I need to be doing. I have been pretty good at not jumping up and getting everything done; however, I have.not been so good about relaxing even with the task list!

Thoughts on Life and Marriage

Our 11 year anniversary. It has been a good 11 years for the most part, particularly with respect to our marriage and relationship. We have always had harder battles to fight on the outside and I think that has helped. Also, we are both passionate and dedicated to the same cause so I think that has helped too. And we both grew up in healthy households, a point that I don’t think can be overstated in importance.

Pretty soon, I will be speaking to a group of a hundred youth about the importance of reading and literacy. I don’t think I expected such an interest but it will be happening shortly anyway. I am supposed to be talking about literacy outside of Mozambique. It’s an interesting topic for sure but I need God’s words to make the information really sink in.

I have wondered for a long time why God has called me to such a place and, particularly, given me such vision and overwhelming clarity on extremely large-scale issues and projects… It seems like my every waking moment is filled with prayer and passion for changing the entire country and mindset of Mozambique, not just one or two people. It’s impossible, it’s overwhelming, but that’s what I think about, pray about, eat, breathe, and live.

I have been under a cloud of worry and doubt about our future - not the future of the organization but our own personal future. Coming back and praying through some of it, I am no longer seeing this as such an issue. In fact, I think I am seeing it for what it is - a lack of faith and trust in the God of the universe to guide and protect me and my family, and a healthy dose of worrying too much about what other people think.

God, deliver me fully from the tyranny of other people’s expectations. Deliver me from my own expectations too, which are almost completely impossible to fulfill. Amen

Today is going to be a rough day

 

Psalms 111:1 Praise the Lord! I will thank the Lord with all my heart as I meet with his godly people.

God thank you for the many godly people you have put in my life. Help me never take them for granted.

Today is going to be a rough day. I have a meeting with the staff about salaries this morning and that is always complex and difficult, particularly because this was a communist country and there is no respect or understanding between employer and employee. And I Need to tell the guy staying with us that he needs to leave because he got a girl pregnant and was stealing things. God give me strength to do what I Cannot do alone.

Thank you God for all the people you have placed around me. Help me not close myself off to them in times of trouble. Help me know what to do when I'm in distress.

V9 - He has paid a full random for his people, He has guaranteed his covenant with them forever. Thank you for paying my random. Thank you for your everlasting covenant. Help me understand it - why do I Still work so hard for your favor? Why do I Think that if I don’t, you’ll remove your hand of protection?

I am daily being confronted with my anger and brokenness and I Don't know how to deal with it in a healthy way. Though, as much as I Hate to admit this, journalling does seem to help. I have avoided it for so long...