Off of the Mountian

 

This is my first day off of my prayer retreat and I’ve had to come back to Earth. It was the most interesting prayer retreat I had had in awhile. I am not nearly as focused as I used to be, flitting in and out of tasks, sleep, prayer, reading. Maybe it was just the stage of life that I’m in at the moment but focus seems to be a rare treat.

God was talking to me about making achievement an idol. I need to stop it. God has way better plans for me and His way of accomplishing is working on the heart first, then fruit will follow. John 15 - our goal is to remain in Him; his goal is the fruit.

A guy in my Friday men’s group pointed out that remaining in Christ was more than just receiving from Christ - it was garbage collection too. If the vine remains in the branch, then the waste and refuse gets removed too. The dead tissues float away and are processed in other parts of the tree. I found this so revolutionary - I had always thought about in-flow but never the things I gave to Jesus, and definitely not that these were equally important.

My time was spent a lot of it giving things to the Lord. Particularly memories and experiences that I was holding over myself in an attempt to motivate me. Every time a memory comes up, I have been giving it to God and giving Him permission to do what He likes with it; I will not use it to guilt or shame myself unless He tells me I should. I feel lighter now and less burdened; however, I also feel considerably less motivated.

I was being unhealthily motivated by guilt and shame for some of the things I had done in the past and some of the people I had let down. With that gone, I can see that eventually this will lead to more energy and more love on my part, but right now I’m struggling to have my motivation return. If I don’t have guilt to push me, I have to be motivated by love and I don’t know how to do that. Also, if achievement is not the goal and I’m supposed to be pushing myself towards relationship instead, then how can I keep myself achieving? I think I need to pass through a season where achievement is not the most important thing but I’ve honestly forgotten how to live any other way.