Confidence

Many people think I’m a confident person who always know what to do. That’s unfortunate. Nothing could be further from the truth, actually. I’ve always been nervous and only confident in my ability to mess things up. I do have times where I think I can handle everything and that I’m awesome, but those are worse – that’s an equally great lie and pride is a huge sin. Actually, on closer examination, I think both attitudes are prideful.

I had times in college that people would have called me confident, assertive, and well adjusted. They may have even called me overconfident, and probably rightly so by the world’s standards. I stopped strangers in the street to pray for them, I confidently took the job as RA over the hardest group of students, I flew to other countries without knowing anyone in that country or on my team, and proposed to my girlfriend in a way that should have got me slapped. Looking back on that time, I realized that I was confident, but not in myself. I had total confidence in God. Absolute, reckless confidence. The kind that accepted the word of God over everything else. When faced with a problem or crisis, I didn’t look at me – I would always turn to God.

What’s the problem with a lack of confidence in your own abilities? It’s still focused on you – your abilities, your experiences, and your faith. I don’t know if this is true, but it seems just as prideful as overconfidence and full-of-yourself-ness. Everything is focused on you instead of God. I think that’s why it’s so easy to flip from one to the other.

I’ve been in a place like that for a while… I’ll think I’m doing pretty good for being 25, and that I’ve got everything under control, then hours later be down in the dumps and depressed, thinking that God’s calling for my life is impossible and that I can’t even live the normal Christian life. Am I suffering a glut of pride, then a surplus of humility? Definitely not... Its pride on both sides. It make me want to scream. How do I get rid of pride? Is that God’s job? Then how can I get God to fix me (prayer, fasting, giving up addictions etc)? Or is that the whole problem? That I think I have to do something? Honestly, I have no idea. Do I just have to try to think about myself less, or by trying, will it get worse because I’m focusing on my actions instead of God? Through this time, I’ve learned what true humility is and isn’t, but that doesn’t seem to get me any closer to actually having it. If anyone has any suggestions, scriptures, or advice about this, please let me know.